CHRISTINE:
The chamber was like an icy cold shower of dread and sorrow over my fragile spine and into the deepest, darkest parts of my bones. Every footstep sent a shiver through my body. The darkness was truly a fearless beast. The dark was like a big bully with a magnifying glass over the sun and I was the puny and most definitely unlucky ant.
The place was so vast that the tiniest sound echoed very distinctly and made me cringe. At first I was in a melancholy trance, but now I am comprehending this like it was a horrible punch to the face. All of a sudden running seemed like a wonderful option. Did I really want to walk this lonely pit of darkness? No, but what choice did I have. It is where I am destined.
Not only does the Phantom seem cold and unfeeling, but so was this horrid place he called…home. Home…I never truly thought it was the Phantom that felt like he had to live here…like this was where he was destined…I can’t think about that after he killed so many and hurt so many including me… This dungeon was truly made for sadness yet it had an eerie beautifulness that really horrified me. My very life depended on this darkness. At that thought I saw my life flash before my eyes and as fast as it happened, it was over.
The rusted organ that was sitting in the corner started playing a scary tune with absolutely no warning. In my weak state that was the last thing I needed so terrified yelp jumped out of my mouth and I sank to my knees and let out a small sob. After wiping a few salty tears off I got up and hobbled weakly along. At that moment I realized a horrible thing, that there was no clear escape, which made me want to cry even harder than I did before. I knew then that I wasn’t going to get out of this one, no matter how lucky I was.
PHANTOM:
This is my home and I very well can’t do anything about it. Okay so maybe this place is a disaster and I never planned my sorry life to be like this… Although I really can’t help it. Darkness is not only my ally, but it is my life and light is the enemy that even if you face it for a second, you want to run away in terror.
The amount of screams of fright I’ve heard is unbearable. I have heard so many of those repulsive sound that my mind rings with the echo off them. My face is so different that I feel out of place or more plainly like freak. My best friend is a tiny, good-for-nothing rat for crying out loud!! I never asked for a life like this and I just want a friend…
I am influenced by this putrid and not to mention pitch-black chamber. People say that this is what my soul is made out of, but honestly I am NOT evil. I just lack something that I and only I lack: compassion. I want to be loved, I want to be cherished and mostly I want to be looked at nicely… In other words I want to be normal. After many minutes of thinking, I hear Christine’s little footsteps and… are those quiet weeps? Right before she is in earshot I mumble one powerful word “compassion”.
I absolutely love the length of this passage and the amazing detail and depth of each thought that crosses the phantom or Christine’s mind. I really enjoyed all of the internal conflict that went on with the both of them.”The chamber was like an icy cold shower of dread and sorrow over my fragile spine and into the deepest, darkest parts of my bones.”
I believe this to be an amazing piece of writing in it’s self. It shows amazing detail about how Christine feels about the Phantom’s lair. IN the post you very wisely discussed the Phantom’s thoughts on compassion with the readers and I loved reading that part of your post.
Great post! I loved the sentence “I am influenced by this putrid and not to mention pitch-black chamber. People say that this is what my soul is made out of, but honestly I am NOT evil.” because you make it out like the Phantom is a victim, and he may be. You make him out to be this person who realizes that there is something wrong with him, and wants to fix it, quite unlike Voldemort. This, above all else, makes him stand out against the usual, stereotypical villan. So, thank you, for taking the time to point out that the Phantom can have some human in him after all.
Wow! The detail and imagery is just … there. You made Christine so frightened and intimidated that, I could read the first few sentence and know what is going on.
You also tried to make the Phantom be not as bad as he looks. He just wants to be a normal person, but NO, people show hatred and evil.
I also really like how at the end you put “Right before she is in earshot I mumble one powerful word “compassion”. That word really is strong when you say it.
Great work. keep it up!
This has so much imagery and detail! You are really good at portraying Cristine and The Phantoms thoughts and emotions.
You make Cristine scared and frightened, and you do a really good job of showing that. And you make The Phantom not that evil, like you are showing that he still has light in his heart after he has done all these things to hurt people.
Also, since you switched P.O.V’s, i get to see what both of them are thinking in the same moment.
Wow, you didn’t fully speak English until you were nine years old, and you wrote this? I am astonished… This is just so amazing, beautiful, tragic, emotional, and PERFECT!!! Your passage is so full of detailed imagery that I can really feel everything the characters are feeling. The whole passage sounds like a lonely, sorrowful heart-to-heart with the reader. Of course it has a bit of humor thrown in, and I like that! It lightens the darkness of the characters’ feelings a little.